the day after

I think I am done feeling like a sad sack. I realize in the light of new day that I am still loved by a man I still love, that i can wait longer than I thought I could, and no doesn't mean forever. I can't cry. I have to keep moving and not stop, there is too much to be crushed by if I stop for a minute. I am in my room packing, packing packing all my little pieces of 24 years of life away...outside the annual homeschool picnic is raging in my backyard...i have to smile at the memories as i watch little girls in jumpers and high socks running around the lawn...hard to believe it was ever me. I am leaving my childhood as I prepare to leave my home. I am thinking thinking thinking constantly. I got very drunk last night, which was utterly selfish. I was also vulnerable more than I thought I would be, but fortunately I was in the company of safe friends, and hence didn't make an ass of myself too much, and didn't do anything rash or stupid in the throes of my depressed binge. I am utterly afraid that my last writing spew has deeply upset that same boy whose love i will be absent from indefinitely, and I can't explain myself at all. This urge to unload all my ponderings when they get too heavy to hold is dangerous...i think last night was the wrong time to unload. I don't know what to say now...but I'm sure i'll think of something soon. Just going to keep writing, good, bad, ugly, scary, silly, real, fake, lies and truth. This is my life.